Nov 19, 2019

I had multiple abortions and an abortion pill nightmare. But that’s not where my story ends.

I grew up in a broken home and that broken home put me on a path to a broken life. I’ve had four abortions in my life. With each one, my conscience was seared until I became so spiritually blind and willfully ignorant that no teary eyed plea or pro-life message could change my mind. With every abortion, my anxiety, my fear, my anger, my sadness —they all grew. They grew into shadowy monsters that gnawed at my nerves. To quiet them, I drank. I smoked a lot. I used humor to feel sane and kept myself constantly moving and doing things to stay distracted. I pretended I was OK, but I was never OK. It was only when the Lord unblinded me and His Word convicted me that I could see the mess in front of me and connect the dots. Abortion is a monster. Unfortunately,it’s not just my monster.

My first abortion was at age 16. I now believe that this abortion was the one that completely changed the trajectory of my life. It truly robbed me of any innocence that was still left and calloused my heart enough to set me on the path for three more. I could tell you all the details about my first abortion — my ‘last second’ doubts and the sounds of the suction machine, my body jerking, the pink elephants I saw dancing above my head as the anesthesia started to wear off (to this day, I feel uneasy when I see pink elephants on clothing or decor). I was supposed to be fully unconscious during the procedure, but I was not. The pain and regret that followed seemed insurmountable at the time, but I had no choice but to put it behind me and move on.

I could tell you about my second abortion, which was where I first tried RU-486 (the abortion pill), which seemed largely uneventful.

But it was the next time I took the abortion pill that was truly the most horrifying and humiliating experience of my life. At 23 years old, I took it, expecting a “safe” and relatively painless at-home abortion experience. It was neither.

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